The Peculiar Incident of My Sister and Her Daughter the Day My Father Died

My relationship with my sister Mary could be called ‘non-existant’ by the time my father sickened and died. Afterwards, it was even worse.

In the 5 weeks following the diagnosis of cancer, until his death, I updated those members of my family for whom I did not have phone number regarding his progress by posting updates on Facebook. 

At this point I had contact with my brothers  Robert  and Ron.  Of my sister Mary and my brother Gunther I had no contact details, as they had made it obvious they did not want to remain in contact.  My brother Angelo remained aloof and incommunicado in Taree, having intimated that he did not believe his family added to his consequence in his adopted home town of Taree.  I knew that my brothers Robert and Ron kept in contact with my other siblings from time to time, but as I had no real interest in them, I never enquired  further.   My brother Barney had left Sydney about three years previously when his wife had received a legacy on her father’s death, and he had left without a word of his forwarding address for Nowra.  Since then we had not heard from him.

Of course, I could have contacted all bar Gunther, including several of my nephews and nieces, via Facebook.  In fact, I was listed as a ‘friend’ on most of their pages, and followed their posts with some interest.  I was able to keep track of all of them, as they were all friends of my daughter. 

When my father was diagnosed with cancer, I posted the information on Facebook, and asked anyone who knew my brothers to let them know what had happened.  No-one rang us to commiserate or talk to Karl, but I did get an acknowledgement from one of my nephews that he would tell his father, and a note of sympathy from a cousin.  Apart from that, silence.  Either my siblings presumed I would do all the worrying for them, or they didn’t care.  As they all knew our phone number, I assume they did not need to talk to any of us about it.

In this period my brother Ron was very attentive, and my brother Robert was in contact often.  My father had requested to see him, and Robert had said he would come and see him on his way home from holidaying in Queensland. 

On the day Karl died, I posted to Facebook within an hour of hearing of the news from Robert.  He had gone to the hospital to see Karl, but had found him comatose, and Karl had died soon afterwards.  He brought my mother home, and stayed for a while.  I posted again to Facebook, but did not look to see if I had any personal messages.  We told Ron, and he told me he would let his brothers know.  Both brothers agreed Facebook was a good medium for getting the message of Karl's death out to everyone.  Barney had learned from Facebook, he said, so at least the medium worked.  That afternoon Gerard and Linda had come to visit Karl and had arrived within half an hour of his death, so they came to the house to give their sympathies. 

At that point Gerard, Ron, Rob, William and I worked out the time and logistics of the Farewell.  I had just that morning completed the arrangements with the funeral parlour which would have allowed me to just make one phone call once Karl had died in order to start the cremation process. 

The next day I checked my Facebook account to see if anyone had responded to my post.  A nephew and a cousin had posted sympathies.  My brother Angelo rang and said he would come to the Farewell (he didn’t, but that may have been due to the bad floods in the Taree area that week , but he should have sent his apologies) and apparently my brother Barney rang Ron and said he would come to the Farewell.

I found I had two messages from my sister and her daughter.  Recall I had not been in contact with my sister since she had written that nasty letter in 2008.  Here they are, in total:

Mary Mckinnon

To bad if we had been upset about our father dying your message posted on your page for "anyone who is in contact with these people please tell them.....' how selfish and insensitive can you be. It might supprise you to know the rest of us are in contact with each othe!

and

Good Job

Thanks for the lovely phone call you selfish bitch about our grandfather passing. Because of you and the rest of the families crap I have never had the chance to know my grand parents. I hope this sits well in your karma to know of the destruction and hurt your selfish being has brought. Some people never change no matter how much time has passed. I hope your life continues on its missrable way and you receive only what you have put out and all the hurt comes back ten fold. Screw you, you are not part of my family. Janice Simpson (Nee-Redward)

This upset my mother and me more than my father dying.  It took several weeks for us both to talk ourselves into a state of equanimity regarding these messages, and finally came to the conclusion that she was jealous of me, but why we could not fathom.  Obviously my niece, who appears to be a piece of work, has been influenced by her mother.  My brothers dismissed them as the rantings of a slightly deranged person whose meanings could not be understood.    

I did not reply to these messages but prevented any follow up by closing down my Facebook account for six months.  I did not want to get involved in a slanging match or to leave myself open to any more of the same.  That would be to stoop to her level, and I believe myself above that. Of course, anyone with any computer knowledge at all would have found me easily, but I don’t think my sister has that knowledge.   

The schism that existed between my sister and my mother and me is now complete, all the antipathy being on my sister’s side.  We have reacted to her rantings by closing her out and not replying, not speaking of it at all.  Despite her claim she is in contact with her brothers (of which I would not care one way or another whether she is or not) she must be lonely over there in Perth with only a drunkard brother and a daughter for family.  She appears to have quarrelled with her son, as he is not included under family on her Facebook page.  Her daughter curses me – alluding to my lupus, I think) but I believe they curse the circumstances that I am here with my mother and they are not.  Why she would believe I have influence over my mother I don’t know, as my mother is an extremely strong willed person, and I don’t know how I could influence her over anything.  It is I who is persuadable, not she.   

All I can say is that my sister and her daughter are very nasty pieces of work!